What is the ratio between male dominants and female submissives?
There is really only one truthful answer, no one not only knows but no one could even possibly know.
You see here is the problem with any statistic you see or coming up with numbers on your own from seeing some statistics on a cyber site or turnout at your local community, it is still only a sub set and how does one define a dominant or a submissive. Because when people try or what is really going on pretend to answer such a question they just naturally love to put the best spin on it. So you will see the word “real” inserted before the answer as in real dominants and not the wannabes. Submissives can also be guilty of a little self serving wanting few as possible to make one feel more special.
I do though want to take to task the two most common answers out there.
1) Women submissives are out numbered by male dominants two to one. This statistic is often cited from the online numbers. My biggest point to this is that men are much more prone to have a profile in cyber and to actively search out someone. Women traditionally are more social and more leery of online and much more likely to seek out their local community, make friends in it and stay active compared to men. My personal experience in local communities is that it is not even remotely close to the two to one ratio quoted.
2) Male dominants once you take out all the fake and dangerous are out numbered by female submissives ten to one. That is right ladies and gentlemen ten to one! In all candor if a man uses that statistic it is a red flag. If they use that statistic and can only talk about toys then it is a huge red flag. This is used to make one look special and if their private boys club talks this way enough some men are stupid and egocentric enough to buy it as fact.
You see why it is absolutely impossible to guess the ratio is to just think what you are and what do you want. For example how many are looking for bedroom submission only? How many are looking for M/s 24/7 TPE? How many are looking for a Take in hand relationship? How many are looking for casual or long term? This can go on and on. Basically anyone that thinks one can come up with an accurate guess it is usually to be self serving or a form of a pity party.
The problem with qualifiers that using them are always about putting ones preferences and opinions out there in lieu of any actual objective reality based knowledge our thoughts. For example here are my biases and negative judgments:
1) I think a high percentage (roughly 50%) of females calling themselves submissives or even slaves have zero interest in having any type of power exchange relationship but are really just looking for an alpha male with or without kinky sex in the bedroom.
2) I think a high percentage (roughly 50%) of males calling themselves dominant or master have zero interest or ability to be the dominant in a power exchange relationship and are really just looking for a woman that want a traditional role relationship with an open mind toward sex.
3) I think many claiming expertise regardless of role or gender in this life are clueless out of lack of experience or just not being into the power exchange aspects of people in a committed relationship. That their “expertise” is in the toys and scenes of top/bottom play in their local community. Those twenty years of teaching seminars and even writing a book on BDSM does not mean they know one thing about day to day power exchange.
But the fact is anyone of these people can in fact find their other in this life and call their relationship whatever the hell they like and more power to them. Just as they can with their personal preferences and opinions make a list of biases and negative judgments and come up with a guess at how many are what.
The hard truth is we do not really know because not all are on cyber let alone one site and certainly not all are involved in their local community. Plus every time one chooses to use qualifiers to weed out that is just a slippery slope that will always make one look foolish and conceded.
April 27, 2009
April 13, 2009
Young Dominants
Why do so many women avoid dominants that are significantly younger especially ones in their early twenties?
Now I often feel disclaimers are mere attempts to get out of trouble from writing things but I sincerely offer up this one. Many women can like much younger men and that can include power exchange women. But that is up to the individual woman.
Women are like men when it comes to relationships for the most part they will either look for something casual or something serious. But the fact is a much higher percentage of women are looking for something long term even when pretending often to just themselves they are just wanting casual.
Young dominant are often in a bind as they often have less experience to go along with not in the same life stage. So the simple fact is combine the wanting or fooling oneself into casual but really serious, common life stage things and experience for pure casual can be an important factor this can often make young dominants less attractive even in casual relationships.
Why not interested in long term?
One of the cruel tricks in how men and women are wired for the most part is an unfortunate opposite. Women tend to be attracted to men who are their age or older to a certain degree while men are attracted to women their age or younger for the most part. Look at any personal site and see 90%+ of the age preference for both will bear this out.
Long term relationships are tough and when they blow up take time to heal from. Quite simply every failed relationship a woman has that there was significant time spent before during and after the relationship that adds to serious time. Older women often do not have the luxury of wasting time in relationships that may not go anywhere. I always use the analogy of a woman only having a gun with six bullets in it. We cannot just shoot it randomly and see where it goes because we quickly run out of bullets.
Older women have been through their younger years and been with men of that age. We do know life changes us and our priorities. It has really little to do with maturity as one big concept but maturity as a bunch of smaller ones. Quite simply what a person thinks and wants in their early twenties can change quite drastically. So no matter how mature a young man might think he is most women just do not feel they can afford to use a bullet on them.
Is it fair?
Life has nothing to do with being fair. Can a young man be a spectacular owner, heck yes! Can a young man be mature enough in many things, sure. But there is more to life then the specific M/s relationship stuff and the ability to have a career.
While it may not be “fair” for younger men compared to younger females who usually can have their pick of any age males this inequality swings the other way as we get older. Older men are able to attract women from many ages while older women our options become fewer and fewer.
Remember there is more to power exchange relationships then skill or experience level and that these are relationships. If not compatible in all the other many things the relationship is not going to work. It is wise for all of us any age to remember this and not just focus on the physical aspects and only the power exchange type things.
Now I often feel disclaimers are mere attempts to get out of trouble from writing things but I sincerely offer up this one. Many women can like much younger men and that can include power exchange women. But that is up to the individual woman.
Women are like men when it comes to relationships for the most part they will either look for something casual or something serious. But the fact is a much higher percentage of women are looking for something long term even when pretending often to just themselves they are just wanting casual.
Young dominant are often in a bind as they often have less experience to go along with not in the same life stage. So the simple fact is combine the wanting or fooling oneself into casual but really serious, common life stage things and experience for pure casual can be an important factor this can often make young dominants less attractive even in casual relationships.
Why not interested in long term?
One of the cruel tricks in how men and women are wired for the most part is an unfortunate opposite. Women tend to be attracted to men who are their age or older to a certain degree while men are attracted to women their age or younger for the most part. Look at any personal site and see 90%+ of the age preference for both will bear this out.
Long term relationships are tough and when they blow up take time to heal from. Quite simply every failed relationship a woman has that there was significant time spent before during and after the relationship that adds to serious time. Older women often do not have the luxury of wasting time in relationships that may not go anywhere. I always use the analogy of a woman only having a gun with six bullets in it. We cannot just shoot it randomly and see where it goes because we quickly run out of bullets.
Older women have been through their younger years and been with men of that age. We do know life changes us and our priorities. It has really little to do with maturity as one big concept but maturity as a bunch of smaller ones. Quite simply what a person thinks and wants in their early twenties can change quite drastically. So no matter how mature a young man might think he is most women just do not feel they can afford to use a bullet on them.
Is it fair?
Life has nothing to do with being fair. Can a young man be a spectacular owner, heck yes! Can a young man be mature enough in many things, sure. But there is more to life then the specific M/s relationship stuff and the ability to have a career.
While it may not be “fair” for younger men compared to younger females who usually can have their pick of any age males this inequality swings the other way as we get older. Older men are able to attract women from many ages while older women our options become fewer and fewer.
Remember there is more to power exchange relationships then skill or experience level and that these are relationships. If not compatible in all the other many things the relationship is not going to work. It is wise for all of us any age to remember this and not just focus on the physical aspects and only the power exchange type things.
April 03, 2009
Message Boards?
Are they worthwhile to learn and overall impressions
I use to call myself a message board addict now I am more of a recovering addict as my path in life has drawn me from them. I though do think message boards of basically any topic and not just M/s, D/s, Top/bottom and kinky things can offer up really good information if one has the ability to not believe anything just on face value and has a mind that processes information well.
But to the specifics of power exchange message boards:
Good:
-Wide variety of opinions, experiences and types of things. Unlike plain web sites, books, seminars and blogs like mine you have the ability to read about things more then one person’s view and opinion.
-If you have a question about something the odds are someone(s) have had similar experiences or have the same interest in a particular kink as opposed to local communities that depending on the size, activity and how sheep like it is that often can be quite limited in breadth of specific experience and kinky interests.
-The privacy of cyber can let one be more open to sharing and asking about things that many will not do in private. No matter how cool one’s local community and friends are there will always be things that we do not share in a person to person interaction.
Bad:
-It is extremely difficult to sometimes know if you are getting an apples to apples comparison on things. A person calling themselves a TPE slave you never know if you saw them close up you would think was just a top/bottom relationship. Or when discussing some problem affecting a relationship the “I have been there” reply you will just never know what else was going on in that relationship at the time or if there is an other side to the story.
-Have to deal with the cyber only players. Please I do not mean to disrespect people in serious relationships that are cyber based but I am more of talking about bored people going to the web and in chat rooms and message boards proclaim themselves a role and start role playing the life. Knew a man once where in private emails was in a vanilla bad regular marriage that three months later when he became active on a message board was in a long term loving Gorean relationship.
-Regulars on messages boards are on there at least partially out of boredom, attention and validation. Most of this is minor but some of it permeates into everything they write. Many who spout one true way garbage and false gross generalizations.
-Cliques can develop and a board becomes about them and very unfriendly toward others. No information really being given and in some extreme cases there are far more posts with inside humor and flaming anyone who is not in their clique especially newbies.
Three views of popular boards:
Alt.com: For such a busy site I found the area where people share their views to be under used and not a lot of interactive communication. Now I have not been there in three years so things could of changed but when I was I found some awful good and interesting things to read which was somewhat shocking. But if one is looking for wide scope and active participation that is not on this one.
Collarme: Probably the oldest largest message board. It has a wide range of people contributing from long time people in the life to constant influx of newbies coming over from their personal section. Despite the many who complain newbies are often the life support of a message board. Most message boards go through waves where some regulars drop out and new people come in that can affect the atmosphere of a board greatly. Collarme has traditionally needed this because it tends to become a very toxic board because of cliques develop and know it alls think the board is about them. Surprisingly for a board that is so active and full of so many people it is an extremely politically correct safety obsessed female friendly board and during bad cycles not much information on a wide scope is put out. It is a shame that this board got overtaken by the chatroom cyber crowd and has yet to shake them. There are still some old timers there but they are there more to feel special because Collarme keeps track of the number of posts you have and they really get off on that.
Fetlife: The new darling and a lot to like. Unfortunately it became popular fast and therefore got inundated with the dominant and submissive for an hour and have learned or played only in cyber and chatrooms type already. What is great though about Fetlife is they have groups of pretty much anything that have Fetlife members that moderate them. Interested in dressing like a clown during sex there is probably a group. There are some great moderators that keep flames, “true” people and safety police morons from interfering with there groups. The downside is the smaller more specific groups do not have a lot of active participation like in new topics and answers per topic. The larger groups have become a lot like Collarme’s where it is newbies with the life span of days and maybe only days left asking lame questions and the usual self drama of over thinking everything in their life. Also some moderators in these groups are in way over their head and tend to be so inconsistent in what they delete and who they punish many good posters leave the group.
I use to call myself a message board addict now I am more of a recovering addict as my path in life has drawn me from them. I though do think message boards of basically any topic and not just M/s, D/s, Top/bottom and kinky things can offer up really good information if one has the ability to not believe anything just on face value and has a mind that processes information well.
But to the specifics of power exchange message boards:
Good:
-Wide variety of opinions, experiences and types of things. Unlike plain web sites, books, seminars and blogs like mine you have the ability to read about things more then one person’s view and opinion.
-If you have a question about something the odds are someone(s) have had similar experiences or have the same interest in a particular kink as opposed to local communities that depending on the size, activity and how sheep like it is that often can be quite limited in breadth of specific experience and kinky interests.
-The privacy of cyber can let one be more open to sharing and asking about things that many will not do in private. No matter how cool one’s local community and friends are there will always be things that we do not share in a person to person interaction.
Bad:
-It is extremely difficult to sometimes know if you are getting an apples to apples comparison on things. A person calling themselves a TPE slave you never know if you saw them close up you would think was just a top/bottom relationship. Or when discussing some problem affecting a relationship the “I have been there” reply you will just never know what else was going on in that relationship at the time or if there is an other side to the story.
-Have to deal with the cyber only players. Please I do not mean to disrespect people in serious relationships that are cyber based but I am more of talking about bored people going to the web and in chat rooms and message boards proclaim themselves a role and start role playing the life. Knew a man once where in private emails was in a vanilla bad regular marriage that three months later when he became active on a message board was in a long term loving Gorean relationship.
-Regulars on messages boards are on there at least partially out of boredom, attention and validation. Most of this is minor but some of it permeates into everything they write. Many who spout one true way garbage and false gross generalizations.
-Cliques can develop and a board becomes about them and very unfriendly toward others. No information really being given and in some extreme cases there are far more posts with inside humor and flaming anyone who is not in their clique especially newbies.
Three views of popular boards:
Alt.com: For such a busy site I found the area where people share their views to be under used and not a lot of interactive communication. Now I have not been there in three years so things could of changed but when I was I found some awful good and interesting things to read which was somewhat shocking. But if one is looking for wide scope and active participation that is not on this one.
Collarme: Probably the oldest largest message board. It has a wide range of people contributing from long time people in the life to constant influx of newbies coming over from their personal section. Despite the many who complain newbies are often the life support of a message board. Most message boards go through waves where some regulars drop out and new people come in that can affect the atmosphere of a board greatly. Collarme has traditionally needed this because it tends to become a very toxic board because of cliques develop and know it alls think the board is about them. Surprisingly for a board that is so active and full of so many people it is an extremely politically correct safety obsessed female friendly board and during bad cycles not much information on a wide scope is put out. It is a shame that this board got overtaken by the chatroom cyber crowd and has yet to shake them. There are still some old timers there but they are there more to feel special because Collarme keeps track of the number of posts you have and they really get off on that.
Fetlife: The new darling and a lot to like. Unfortunately it became popular fast and therefore got inundated with the dominant and submissive for an hour and have learned or played only in cyber and chatrooms type already. What is great though about Fetlife is they have groups of pretty much anything that have Fetlife members that moderate them. Interested in dressing like a clown during sex there is probably a group. There are some great moderators that keep flames, “true” people and safety police morons from interfering with there groups. The downside is the smaller more specific groups do not have a lot of active participation like in new topics and answers per topic. The larger groups have become a lot like Collarme’s where it is newbies with the life span of days and maybe only days left asking lame questions and the usual self drama of over thinking everything in their life. Also some moderators in these groups are in way over their head and tend to be so inconsistent in what they delete and who they punish many good posters leave the group.
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