What is the difference between play, punishment and discipline?

One of those things that I have seen many actual definitions on these things but to me are crystal clear in my view.

Play – Things done for the pleasure of one or both people.

Punishment – Things done expressly for a reason that the slave did something their owner found punishable. Breaking a rule, failing to carry out a ritual, disobedience and attitude issues without cause are some things people can use punishment.

Discipline – Things done that are not for pleasure or punishment but done because it helps the slave or the slave needs it to be at a good submissive level.

Can these things overlap?

Absolutely they can. Certainly you can get discipline benefits from play. Many ignorant dominants confuse quality slaves as being do me subs because both sides fail to connect the need of consistent discipline in their lives. Often the only discipline is when the dominant is in the mood for fun.

You can also get discipline when punishment is happening. This though tends to be only certain types of punishment and most often impact play. Think domestic discipline when spanking is administered for punishment.

Play and punishment should not really overlap. It loses the meaning and effectiveness if a slave sees the dominant getting pleasure from punishing them and of course you are actually rewarding bad behavior if a slave feels more pleasure then anything else when punished.

But can a slave feel pleasure or get aroused when punished?

This is the dirty secret but yes we can! Do or should we feel these things more then what we are suppose to feel when punished? Of course not but it can happen but hopefully if the punishment is productive those feelings are minor feelings. Look I am a slave with a power fetish. Being punished is an exercise in power over me. Part of me is going to respond from that.

Look at it this way many of us can enjoy the feeling of a good cry even though we are feeling so crappy to be crying in the first place. We still do not go out and try to repeat what caused us to cry. That is what I would compare it to.

What is edge play?

To tell you the truth I have no clue.

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it there are three factors that go into something being labeled “edge play” by someone.

1) Play that not enough people involved in local communities are into or willing to admit their into so there are few discussions and not done at play parties and demonstrations.

2) For a certain percentage of dominants and submissives who get off on thinking they are cooler, more competent and maybe better then others it sure sounds cool to call certain types of play “edge” play.

3) Hey we like to label things so it might as well be called something.

Is edge play actually edge play/out the edge of safety?

Very easy answer, no!

Now you will find few to admit that because of the cool factor. It is cool for the ones into such things to call it that and it is cool for those who a thing that is labeled edge play that is a limit to call it edge play to infer too dangerous. The fact is pretty much every kinky thing and for that matter most things we do in life has a danger to them. I have to admit as an RN to not knowing why something like scat play is any more dangerous then any type of S&M play and for that matter most kinky with sane people and would argue strongly a lot less riskier then if you are a smoker, way out of shape, ride motorcycles, jump out of perfectly working airplane. I could go on and on but you get the picture hopefully.

So like all things in life, edge play is only dangerous if you are with an idiot, insane or who cares about researching and go slowly full speed a head person. I would use the same description with anything we do as human beings that has potential risks. Just because it is not openly discussed in your local community and there are no seminars or live demonstrations does not make it any more dangerous.

So do not decide kinky play that works for you by others. Whether wanting to be cool and explore everything so you can be “better” then others with more limits, a dominant who wants to chest thump they have mastered everything or those who only do things they have seen others do.

Edge play is just a term do not get caught up with the colorful meaning that people often assign to it. A simple good rule of thumb is to think, study and move slowly with all things you decide to take on and does not matter what label others give it.

Is there inordinate amount of victims of abuse in this life?

I do not think they is a much higher percentage of people who are drawn to this life because of past abuse, especially when a child, but I leave open there might be some higher percentage.

This thought gets perpetuated by anecdotal evidence. Ask the question in a message board or chat room and see all the people, especially women submissives respond they were. This can lead to this conclusion which is quite unscientific and not an accurate reflection.

The sad truth is that there are scientific surveys out that as many as 50% of women have had an incident of sexual and physical abuse in their lives. You can ask any group of women this question and if answered honestly would raise your eyes and could draw a poor conclusion. The other factor is we hide behind our computer screens safe from having to confront others. This makes it much easier to step forward and communicate you were abused. Even if the subject comes up in a local community event it still is far easier to discuss it there then other regular places then most. The atmosphere and what we share with others in these venues just lends itself to be open on subjects we might not normally be open to.

There are different types of abuses and along with different personalities means different reactions. Ongoing abuse versus one or a few traumatic experience and when did they take place. The reason why I am open to the possibility to a slightly higher percentage is for one reason. In cases where there is ongoing abuse during childhood that often can destroy boundaries and take simple joys away from them. I do not think this drives them to power exchange or kinky sex but I think these people who have a natural desire in them can in some ways help them because they might struggle less in breaking free from the societal preaching that can be so difficult.

All of us are on a journey and certainly are life experiences have an impact in our lives. But to say abuse made one submissive or into kinky sex out of anecdotal evidence is too far of a leap. For every no boundary rush into the life abuse victim there could easily be one petrified of taking chances withdrawing from the world. Next time you see five women together you can probably guess that at least two have been abused in some way. But you would never assume two were into this life.

Can you be raped by your Master?

This is a controversial subject and I am respectful of all the thoughts on it but the best I can do is note this is just my personal opinion.

I do not think a slave if they have agreed to the anytime and anywhere sex, that most of us do, can be raped by our Master’s. I do believe a Master, as a human being, can be capable of being malicious and stupid and do something to us that make us feel violated and destroys trust.

If one gives over power in this area then one needs to understand that the Master has the right to use the power. If all your giving of power is conditional in that you want or have no problem in doing it at the time then you really have no power exchange relationship to begin with and have made it impossible for your owner to relax and be himself. At the same time if your owner does things that get this reaction to you, ignores safe words and has not learned your reactions of discomfort from truly being in trouble then you are just with a crappy dominant who is a crappy person. I would then suggest getting out of the crappy relationship.

Rape is a very powerful word and one must be careful how we present it. Giving over power is not something to give and then later go not so fast. Things must be communicated and agreed to. A bad experience that borders on a question like this might be very gray in the reality of it.

What is up with collars?

Collars and more importantly people’s view of collars might have more different opinions then the classic difference between a sub and a slave debate. The truth is a collar’s meaning is entirely up to the couple.

People in 24/7 relationships can range from a slave not having anything that identifies them as a slave to them let alone anyone else to a slave that has a collar that they wear 24/7 and consider that collar and if there was some sort of ceremony to be far more special then say a wedding ring and ceremony. I got to know a very nice dominant when looking for my new owner who had a system of six collars for a slave. Each collar represented a specific stage and a level of control and commitment.

The only thing I do not get, and this is a have to agree to disagree situation for dominants that do this, but the whole begging for a collar and a slave being put under consideration when these two things apply when both people are working on being in a long term 24/7 power exchange relationship. I do not see how a slave would being willing to commit if they did not know in their brain and heart their Master did not feel the same way about them as they do about him. I also think it is sad that a dominant would need to “consider” if they want such a thing.

This to me just reeks of self esteem issues on the basis of the dominant needs to feel that the slave needs him more then the dominant needs the slave. I just think if you need power from that angle then the relationship is already in trouble. When thinking about this I always just imagine if a man proposed to a woman in the regular world and she would respond “Well keep on begging and sucking up to me and we will see” what would be everyone’s reaction and opinion.

But in the end a collar can be nothing more then a tool to hook a leash to or help in a bondage situation all the way to a power exchange couple who treat a collar like regular people treat a wedding ring. To each their own and whatever works best is up to the people involved and not any this is how we do things in this life thing.

Why do I pick on dominants so much?

I do not pick on all dominants. Heck as a 24/7 slave I basically adore dominants in general. When I go negative on dominants I am not going negative on dominants that get it or are looking to get it from a slave’s point of view. The ones I am ripping are the ones who do not get it and/or are parading around calling themselves dominants but are really just selfish people looking for their ego to be stroked and be spoiled.

When I write a post that puts these dominants under the magnifying glass my motivation is not out of a dark place nor do I specifically think up things to write about base on how can I rip dominants today. As I wrote about my motivations of writing this blog here I will not go into too much detail but I very much have a main motivation to what and how I write my blog.

1) I am not on here to express how much I love my Master and the power exchange life like I am trying to convince myself or seek validation from others. It is just not in me to externalize my internal feelings. Rest assured I think my Master is very special and awesome just like any other person thinks of their other when one has great compatibility and love in their relationship.

2) I find much of the information floating around from web sites, blogs and message boards to be dominant centric and over simplistic. Whether directly and mostly indirectly there is a lot of information out there that is either wrong or so narrowly focused it does not capture the whole picture and distorts this great life. My personal interest when discussing this life is more broad and not about specific details but peeling back a layer and see what is really going on in our brains.

3) The way this life is discussed even from those who get it often portrays dominants as strong, wise and basically all knowing in all aspects of life and especially power exchange. At the same time submissives are also often portrayed as weak, naïve and relatively clueless about power exchange.

4) I am a 24/7 total power exchange slave. There are not a ton of us out there and we are wired different from many other types of submissives. Most information out there comes from lesser power exchange people and relationships. This is again especially true in how dominants write they will write like everything is direct experience but this is often not with a slave like me and I simply notice how often dominants who stick their feet into the water when writing 24/7 TPE how they smear, and often incorrectly, their actual knowledge into theory of what they think or wish.

Let me give you a typical example of what I encounter. Yesterday I went on a message board and some poor woman posted a question that she found her Master had posted an ad to have a discreet affair on a site designed for such things. Sorry this is not a power exchange issue at all. It is about a relationship going bad and a guy who did a crappy thing. So what did the majority of the dominants write? Pretty much putting everything back on this poor woman like “you are not much of a slave if you do not trust him”, “why were you looking in the first place” and “if you are a slave you should only be concerned about pleasing your Master not what he is doing”.

So when I think and write on topics my motivations more then likely come from these thoughts above. I always write in fairly strong tones because I do not understand any other way to write and find it sad or comical that because I am a slave I should write in a passive and weak way.

My goal in writing on the topics I do is for dominants or submissives whether experienced or starting out to read the words and see from one person what is going on after peeling back the specific things being done from a slave who has lived this successfully for well over a decade. I am not saying every 24/7 TPE slave is like me or should be like me and I do not write thinking that I may or may not be totally right. But all I can do is write from my experiences and my brain and let others read and take from it what they want.

My writing will often poke holes and expose dominants who do not get it because that is simply often who get my thoughts and attention when I read something and shake my head in disbelief.

Do you ever just have normal sex?

That would be a yes and no question but the reality is yes and in fact most of the time I would view or sexual encounters to be of the “normal” variety.

Sex in a total power exchange relationship is like most things in a TPE and that is the actual things going on are basically the exact same things going on in any other type of relationship. Most things are not done just because of the power exchange except for maybe the usually discussed kinks but are just done how everyone else does them. The difference is mostly that one person can determine the when, what and how.

So most of the time actual sex if you were to watch us without sound or knew we were Master/slave would look like how everyone else does it from my experience with the difference that my Master either picks or can over rule things like actions, positions and which hole.

Now foreplay maybe a different story, certainly often our foreplay can be “normal” but also plenty of times you will see “kinky” stuff or certainly even some significant scene. For example, my Master is very much a true sadist and I can usually know when we are just hanging around him inflicting pain just for the heck of it or if he is truly turning himself on and sex will come out of it.

But my main point would be this; I do not buy for one second this being any different then any other couple. Take any couple and you will see a routine that one or both have that gets them in the mood. It may be mutual massages or maybe they routinely go dancing and always have sex when they cone home. So to me there is just not any difference.

So most of the time I would classify us as just having sex but just the options left up to my Master and the minority of the time I am being penetrated while tied up or any other kink is directly going on.

Does your Master read this blog?

Short answer yes and no. He does not read or want me to make an effort to shove what I write in his face when he is home. On the road stuck in a hotel room is when he will tend to read what I write. Now he will offer up ideas to write about all the time but in general he is not a big written word person and this is not a tool for me to suck up to him (aka constant posts of how awesome he is) or try to communicate my feelings or issues with him through my writings.

Does he take issue with sharing of my sexual/kinky past?

One word answer is absolutely no. My Mom thinks I have primarily fallen for him because she thinks my Master has a strong Eastern soul. (I will let her believe that. ;) )

I mention this because William is an avid preacher of living in reality. I was thirty-one when I met him and he knew I had been a practicing slave for a long time. He was forty-one and divorced. We just were not virgins that stumbled into each other and does not care or worry about what others were about.

In some ways my talking about my past was encouraged by him when we were just starting out. One of the big things many dominants have to overcome is worrying about doing or ordering things on their slave thinking because if we do not enjoy these things directly then that will damage the relationship. In fact this can factor into play which can be fatal, the if I do this they will leave me so often they want everything they do their slave thinks is great so ego can go to a very dangerous level.

I think my telling him about my experiences helped him overcome his fear of doing things or controlling me for being to tough/icky/controlling to me and comfortable that my words spoken, much like this blog, were in fact backed up by fact not just wishful thinking.

Why I put the pictures in my posts?

I started out not doing that but from some comments from friends, a new cyber friend AKM and reading other blogs found pictures to add a lot, especially my long winded posts.

In terms of why I put up mostly women, couples not in graphic sex, BDSM and other M/s slave pictures are for different reasons.

Obviously I try to match a topic with a picture but found out that is tough to do and I was wasting a lot of time. So now I pretty much take some time to scout and save pictures that I might use and insert them after I have written something. I put women pictures up because I know men like those things and avoid male beefcake for the opposite. Sorry to all the women power people out there.

I do not care for although does not bother me to put graphic sex pictures but know many are like me so I do not do that. I do like graphic BDSM pictures very much but stay away from that because it would not be attractive to many.

So I basically post pictures that are close to topic and/or I find sexy.

If it was just sexy I would just post pictures of George Clooney, Yun-Fat Chow, Lucy Liu (fellow U of Michigan grad!), Helen Mirren and of course my Master if he would let me. ;)

My Lingo

The following are my take on terms I use from time to time to often and how I define them in for my writing.

Active Domination: The things a dominant brings to the table in the relationship between them and their slave. These are the things that make a slave feel dominated. This is not only the physical manifestations often involving kinky things but just in general the day to day things where a dominant exercises his control and power on their slave. Words, orders, decision making and other things that cause a slave to adjust her normal thoughts and actions.

Chest Thumper: They want to let people know just how superior they are to others and will insert this practically in any communication. A chest thumper is a person who inserts judgments or communicates one-way truisms into as much communication as possible to directly communicate that people not like him are losers and they are special.

The typical example of a chest thumper is a dominant who will claim that to be a “true” Master it takes years of experience which they just happens to have.

Cool factor: A reason for a person to over romanticize themselves, their other, their relationships or within their writing have judged others based on some sort of coolness/what is better type scale. This coolness scale is denied by everyone sane but many people will write based on thinking that others believe this scale is out there. Ex) People who say they are a no limit slave, people who think Slave is better then submissive who is better then a bottom and people who get irrational about others doing an act that is a hard limit for them.

Cyber theorist: A person who writes in absolute tones theories and judgments from a vacuum of cyberspace that have no accuracy when taking into real life and real human beings. Ex) “Slave should have only one desire and that is to please their owner.”

Dictionary Dynamo: This is a person from either gender or role who takes one or several definitions from a dictionary that conveniently back up a point they are trying to make. I have a friend who calls these people vacuum professors as they require suspension of common sense and basic intelligence and a complete lack of grasps of how the real world operates in order for it to have any semblance of practical reality.

The ultimate classic example of this is of course the person who types out a definition of the word slave out of a dictionary. Those people are easy to spot and ignore.

Dominant Disease: The habit to communicate and for the worse case believe that their way is the only true way. That they know everything and they communicate in a style and tone that a college professor might talk to an elementary student. Pretty much repeat the same thing in all communications. 1) Blame is always the submissive’s fault or the dominant is incompetent. 2) This is what they do and they never ever have had a problem like this.

Can often be confused with cyber theorists but these people have experience and their words have usually merit in some regard to being totally wise. More often then not it is their tone not the message that punctures their credibility.

IM addicts: People who spend much of their free time at home with their laptop on and IM open talking to anyone who might be out there. At some point they have developed a horrendously mistaken belief that most people do the same thing. The truth is of course only a very small percentage and even a smaller percentage of men are like this and most people either do not IM at all or only out of necessity. So often any attempt to join the regular world is met with bad results as they cannot comprehend people not wanting to spend hours a day IM’ing them as a main form of communication.

Kinks: My shorthand and many others that sum up the things you will find in many of our relationships that you will not in regular ones. This is not just pertaining to specific kinky things that we may do but will use the term to include those and things like discipline sessions, punishments, rules and rituals.

Example: The kinks of this life take a lot less time then regular life in our relationships.

Role Playing: This is not about when playing around but when people in either role are not themselves but try to act like they think they should be or more often how they think the other expects them to be. More often then not done subconsciously but when a bulk of the relationship, whether the power exchange dynamic or not, is being roled played by someone conclusion will only be bad.

Classic symptom of a role player is a dominant that slowly stops playing with their submissive. It is not that they lose interest in the person but it just takes too much energy to be and do things that are not them. The play zaps energy while a person not role playing the play should often give them energy.

Self fulfilling prophecy: People getting back exactly what they are complaining or worry about. Classic example is males claiming all the females are insincere or fake in the life. The reality is because they are so negative and accusatory whether directly in their communication or the bile they have in an online profile that only the insincere and fake are wanting anything to do with them.

Slave transference: This is basically the indirect way of chest thumping. It is when a submissive in as much communication as possible expresses and interjects their dominant into everything to be the most perfect human being and dominant alive. What they are really doing is feeding their poor self esteem by wanting everyone to make the connection of if my dominant is perfect and picked me then I must be great as well.

Mentors?

Is there value to mentors?

Mentors are a controversial topic in power exchange life as there are many possibilities.

In my opinion there are two ways mentors add any value:

1) The common view of a mentor is a person who you can learn, respect and bounce questions and opinions and get an OBJECTIVE opinion back. A mentor like this is NOT going to play with you or want any power given over to them. They are just their as a friend.

2) Many use the word “mentor” as a euphemism for a short term or casual relationship that may or may not have sex involved but will have power of some type and level given over and probably some kink things.

So if one is in the exploring stage and wants to find out what they are attracted to and want in a power exchange relationship before looking for the one often people love the term mentor as it seems more noble and less tainted then fling, short term or words of that nature.

Now the bad things that mentor can really be a bad term.

1) Giving power over, especially decisions or controlled communication, to basically a stranger is seriously fucked up.

First and foremost even calling yourself a slave and in the most total power exchange relationship has any person in a free society abdicated their personal responsibility or their right to pursue being happy. If you want or even think it is a good idea to give someone else power over major decisions in your life that is not your love one but some person who wants to be thought as a mentor you need to step back and get some help.

People do not do things just for the good of their heart. Friends and family who have known you for years care about you. A relatively new person to your life is not caring about you but wants something from you.

People who “enjoy” mentoring another by taken the “broken” submissive and fixing them into someone who flourishes is just as devoid of self esteem as the submissive who agrees to follow them. They are relative strangers and their drug is feeling superior to others and a submissive looking for a mentor to show and protect them from this new strange world is their drug of choice. They will not help that submissive by being independent and getting them the help and support they need in order to work on their self esteem issues but instead feed on it by re-enforcing the thoughts that the submissive cannot make good decisions for themselves.

How is someone going to “fix” someone when they have an absolute need to feel superior to anyone close to them to begin with? Mentors like this are all hot air. Remember someone looking out for another’s best interest is going to only be concerned about trying to get the other person the tools so they can make good decisions for themselves and not shield them from the big bad world.

2) One true way

If interested in having a mentor avoid anyone that has one true way type thoughts whether just being friends with the person or playing with them in some way. If your goal is to explore and find yourself then being told to you have to do this or do that is just a giant waste of time and can give you a bad impression if that one true way is not your way.

3) Fear mongering

There are just too many, even good experienced people, who need to chest thump to make them feel better about themselves and this is often expressed by promoting the classic “every dominant but me is a loser and an abuser”.

It is very simple if you could not make good choices in others in the regular relationship world you will struggle in the power exchange world. Of course there are losers and abusers in this life but they are the same types in the regular world and if you are all there easy to spot.

This life for someone new can be scary and seem more extreme and therefore might feel it is completely different the regular relationships and therefore the people must be completely different. They are not. A friend/mentor would be someone who helps calm your fears and educate you and not someone who hides you from exposure and stokes your fears and hesitations about this life.

Difference from humiliation and degradation play?

I do not think any one can give a distinction that everyone would agree with and falls more into the individual. I really never really made a distinction personally but I read a definition about a year ago I will share as it was a nice clear distinction through my own personal eyes.

Humiliation play is more about suffering embarrassment in some way and degradation play is more about being devalued in some way. For a shout out to the safety police notice the word play and not made to feel permanently.

Of course the feeling of embarrassment or feeling devalued is strictly a personal reaction. For example being made to expose yourself in some way might be humiliating to someone normally but an exhibitionist probably not so much.

Degradation play is not for many or most from my experience and reading from others on the topic. Personally I love it. For those who do not get it, remember I love my Master and would not be with him if I did not believe he loved me and cared about me. When he engages in this type of play it is not any more serious in my mental thought of him or myself then any other type of play or orders.

Slave contracts?

What do you think about slave contracts?

First I cannot believe I am doing this as it seems blatantly obvious but must point out they have zero weight legally for anything! I pray everyone who is reading this knew that already.

I believe they are not remotely necessary but at the same time can be a terrific benefit.

Things to run from if you are a slave in contracts: If a dominant puts in a length. If you are moving to them and/or giving up a job let alone a career to be with them and they put in a length just flip them the finger and leave them. You will be crushed but it is best. The length is not to open up to see what can be changed when it is completed excuse some dominants might use because that can be done anytime. The only real reason a person would put a time frame in a contract like this would be so they have a guilt free get out of the relationship excuse period! You can move to your owners and sign six months and after six months they can go sorry but it did not work out. It is all commitment on the slaves end and expressed zero commitment on the dominants end. I cannot stress this enough, the only real reason to put a length in a contract is so at least one of the person’s doing it WANTS a guilt free get out of the relationship card.

Things I do not like about contracts: Certainly when in a long term relationship how we normally start out and the eventual evolution to how we live a contract will probably become very out dated and have many things missed.

Also contracts tend to cause way too linear of thinking, especially at the stage most of us fill them out, and this can cause wrong assumptions from the contract being too limited in the power given up and more limits then there could be to the dominant thinking they are significantly farther ahead of the arc of a relationship and forget they are still building trust and taking of power.

Things I love about contracts:

They can be great to get all parties on the same page. They can be great as they often generate discussions about things that neither had thought of before. They can be great to see where the other is from an emotional stand point. In general they are great for establishing a quality structure.

My personal experience with my Master:

For us the filling out a contract was a tremendous bonding experience. I was a veteran at being a slave he had never had a slave. We were living in separate states and we drew ours up after we agreed for me to move to him and become his 24/7 slave.

The reason why it was such a bonding experience was because of his lack of experience and our previous limitation of distance and our personalities (neither cared about forcing the dynamic through the telephone) where we stood when going 24/7 everyday without breaks from being away from each other left us wondering what each thought this meant.

My Master had gotten a contract off the Internet and even before we sat down he warned me in a nervous way that is was lengthy and had a lot of cyber theorist in it. But as we went down item by item and my answers, being a TPE slave that I was born to be, yes, that is fine and whatever you desire he realized that all the talk about how we wanted our lives to be and my time with him when we together was not role play on my part moved him deeply and helped him greatly trust my commitment to the life. I got out of filling out a contract was seeing a man who truly needed a slave and was very serious about living this way which was critical to me.

In fact it took us three sittings to get through the contract because my Master got so worked up and took me before we could finish. ;)

I believe it is a very good idea to draw up a contract as it can go a long way to put both people on the same page and provide a strong structure for the dynamics of the relationship. I just think contract is the wrong term and I would use drawing up a guidebook instead.

Why I keep safety talk to the minimum?

I wrote a long post here on this subject but wanted to put a summary of it in this section as I am currently working on some posts that will have the safety police up in open arms.

Why I keep all safety and risk talk to the minimum in my blog is for three reasons:

1) Hypocrisy: Most talking about safety are not really talking about safety. They are using a very important subject as a tool to indulge in the cool factor. The classic “They are doing something I will not do. I now have to trash this thing in order to make me feel cooler then the people who are doing the thing I will not.”

It is the classic hypocrisy people commit everyday. It is the person going I would never do this for health reasons then proceed to get on their motorcycle to go two blocks to McDonalds to have their daily Big Mac and large fries after they finish smoking their twentieth cigarette of the day.

2) Lowest Common Denominator: Most and I do mean most people in this life but really in general when talking about things talk down to people like they are total morons. Sure they might not write that way to the active reader but everything about other people comes off as if they were dumb, ignorant and not capable of common sense.

I refuse to do this as I find it very disrespectful. I write assuming the person reading and the people I may write about have basic intelligence, common sense and look before they leap. I assume the extreme minority of people with issues are not reading anything to filter or will not learn anything anyway.

3) I refuse to write based on worse case scenarios being the norm: I find it pathetic that anytime a topic is mentioned by people in whatever medium that worse case scenarios often based on the theory most people are morons but me frames the discussion. I refuse to do that.

It is the year 2008, people know to use condoms. A new dominant knows not to hang his bottom to the rafters and use a cane severely the first time he tops.

There are risks in pretty much everything we do in life. Many things too many people do not think about the consequences of actions. If anything the kinks done in this life get more safety thoughts then many everyday type things that are inherently more risky.

We all take risks. Just what risks we take are an individual choice. What we all need to do is on the risks we do take to think about what we can do to minimalize those risks. I choose this honest and respectful way when I write. I will leave the people who choose to use safety for self promotion and to promote their coolness and superiority to others.

What is a Definition Dynamo?

This is a person from either gender or role who takes one or several definitions from a dictionary that conveniently back up a point they are trying to make. I have a friend who calls these people vacuum professors as they require suspension of common sense and basic intelligence and a complete lack of grasps of how the real world operates in order for it to have any semblance of practical reality.

The ultimate classic example of this is of course the person who types out a definition of the word slave out of a dictionary. Those people are easy to spot and ignore.

My personal favorite example is people for whatever reason take an outdated clinical definition of the word fetish wanting to preach to all that a fetish can only be someone who is sexually dysfunctional because they can only obtain sexual satisfaction by something that is abnormal.

The reason why these types of definitions are useless is because they ignore the fact that many words have many different definitions and even more then a regular dictionary they might take on different definitions in a specific group of people like power exchange or some occupation. Then there is also the fact that often dictionaries are often behind the pace of the evolution of a word.

Who is a Chest Thumper?

A chest thumper is the opposite approach but has the same goal of a person inflicted with cool factor disease. They want to let people know just how superior they are to others and will insert this practically in any communication.

A chest thumper is a person who inserts judgments or communicates one-way truisms into as much communication as possible to directly communicate that people not like him are losers and they are special.

The typical example of a chest thumper is a dominant who will claim that to be a “true” Master it takes years of experience which he just happens to have. Warns all submissives of the world that dominant less then what they are is dangerous and will probably kill them. These are people typical of wanting to make clear that a dominant should be strictly chosen for their tangible dominant skills. So a submissive should not care so much about all the compatibility factors and just bow to a man who has taught a seminar.

Is sex totally separate to this life?

Is sex separate from BDSM and other kinks, D/s and M/s?

I am absolute in my belief in this issue and will write soon about sex and power exchange in a large post but want to get this down now.

Sex is a drive that goes up to the line between strong desire and need. Most human beings have zero desire not to try to have a satisfying sex life. Sex is also something that in many of us driven to heighten desire with intimacy with a person we love. Wedding nights and anniversaries couples are not making the effort to be alone together so they can break out a nice private card game.

When doing BDSM things with our other they can and often tend to be intimate experiences on some level. So even when not done for sexual pleasure the mind is often still going in areas where sexual desires will come spilling out. It is like giving your other a massage in your bed while naked. It does not have to be sexual, it can be totally sexual and it may or may not directly lead to sex.

So do any acts or pure power dynamic it is always about sex. Certainly not none of it has to be. The overwhelming odds though are if you are doing these acts and only with the one person you love that these acts and sex will intertwine in potentially a variety of ways.

Why do some then promote this life has nothing to do with sex?

Because they are extremely selfish human beings or in self denial to themselves and others involved with them period!

Again sex is a drive for a human being and one where most of us will insist on trying to be satisfied in this area. The ones who preach this garbage do it for various selfish reasons.

1) People with abnormally low or none (asexual) sex drives. They use power exchange as a way to try to find love and commitment but with little sex or none as possible.

2) Married people who wander outside their marriage to get their BDSM/kinks desires satisfied. They do not have sex with the people they play with (they already have a sexual outlet) and like to promote no sex so potential partners who this has a sexual factor will not try anything sexual.

3) Couples or even single people who only want parts of another human being but not the whole of a person and use power exchange to try to get that. They want the submissive to be totally dedicated to them but they do not want the responsibility of the other side of the equation. These are the people looking for free maids, cooks, babysitters, personal assistants and general free laborers. As you can probably tell by my words I find this particular group to be quite disgusting because of just how ignorant and selfish they truly are.

Now of course there are submissive people who are more then happy to be treated this way and not have sex or it is very limited. They may also have low or no sex drives and other perfectly good reasons. But these people are like finding a needle in a haystack.

Why I particularly hate this group of people is because they refuse to acknowledge what they are looking for is very rare but instead try to convert everyone to the belief power exchange does not have to include sex. That submissive’s really only need to please their others to be happy and any other needs/desires means they are fakes and losers. That somehow submissives are less human because that can be the only logical conclusion why they think we are such incomplete human beings.

Consensual Non Consent?

No one really doing anything they do not want to do so there really is any such things as a total power exchange relationship?

Well it depends on how you want to look at it. Of course with two mentally healthy people the big picture is of course the slave is doing what they want. No one mentally healthy is being forced into doing things that make them miserable.

But that is not what is going on. What is going on in a TPE relationship is non consensual things done within the relationship from mundane to severe and from here and there to something’s prolonged that both people want and need in the relationship to be happy overall which makes it consensual.

A slave like me does things and endures things because we want and need them to be done to us by our owner not because the individual things bring us pleasure. We need these done to know our owner is devoted to us and our dynamic and is not afraid to do these things. So when they do other things that relationships have we can trust their love and sincerity. An owner needs to see their slave do things that they would never or not at that time do so they see their slaves love and devotion to them and the dynamic so they can feel free to react and indulge in the relationship without having to constantly worry about that their slave is judging or keeping score.

There are people who are in various power exchange relationships that will not do or order another to do something if they do not specifically want it. That is for lesser type power dynamics and for people who role play this life.

For total power exchange relationships non consent very much is a part of the short term actions and emotions of the relationship it is just that both know that overall these non consent things are for an overall happiness.

No Limit Slave?

Well this actually has several meanings depending on the sanity and self esteem of the person stating it.

For sane and reasonably healthy people who claim to be no limit slaves it simply means the couple share the same limits and have had no issues in terms of the owner pushing or bringing up things over time. These people are rare because sane people with self esteem will be more directly honest with other people because they darn well know some things they would never ever do.

For sane, reasonably healthy but somewhat self esteemed challenged slaves the no limit slave means what the one written up above means but they have conveniently keep forgetting things brought up in the beginning of the relationship and other times where their owner wanted to do and talk about something and they reacted in a way their owner learned not to bring it up again.

For the sane but person who has little self esteem this is a term to make themselves feel better. It is one of those “cool” terms people in the life love to use. “I am a no limit slave” it really has just one meaning, “Look how much better I am compared to all you limit slaves”. Of course this is stupid and not actually true but since they have self esteem issues they have decided that they would get self esteem by how they see themselves as a slave in some irrational comparison to other slaves that they magically come out of ahead.

For the insane this has some truth to it. They probably have limits when you start listing some extreme things that people like me would bring up but at the same time some of these people are very well capable of doing some seriously sick stuff all in the terms of their other. You see plenty of real life examples of insane people doing very bad deeds for some person who has them under their spell.

Are breakups in M/s any different?

When one breaks up from a power exchange relationship one must understand that this breakup is just like any other breakup. Depending on the reasons, time and who dumped who it can be devastating. But it is not larger or more devastating then a regular breakup. It may only appear that way because you fit so well in the dynamic you were happier at one time more then anytime else. But getting over it and moving on remains the same.

Also understand if a dominant “releases” you it is simply because they do not want to be with you anymore. If they give reasons like you broke a rule or any other “lifestyle” type reason do not take that as the real reason and is the equivalent of “its not you but me”. They do just not want to discuss/argue about it. Very simple screw up something in a relationship you discuss it and punishment. Being released is I am just done with you.

I just wanted to be clear in the last paragraph a person has every right in good conscience in my opinion to leave a power exchange relationship if that aspect does not work for them. For many of us it is a very critical desire to have in our life and the concept of if you love them then what does it matter will not work.

My Experience?

What the heck is your experience to be such a know it all?

I have been owned three times in which almost most of the time spent in the relationships was as a slave 24/7 relationship. First relationship was with a Master/Mistress couple that lasted two and a half years. They are responsible for bringing me into this life and helping me come to grips with it and developing my mindset.

My second relationship was with a man who was twenty-seven years older then me and we were together for seven plus years. I only mention the year difference to have a place to reference if I sprout off about age difference that I can refer I have direct knowledge and in fact always dug much older people period.

My current relationship I have been with him for a year and a half. We have lived together and therefore 24/7 for nine months and are to be married in late August. ;)

Reality of defining Sub vs Slave?

Am I not correct in thinking that for everyone who is in this life there is a different definition for the difference between a submissive and a slave?

You are brilliantly correct. It just takes two people in a relationship to call each other whatever the hell they want.

My definition on the Sub vs Slave

But despite the stupidity of trying to make some generalized definition between a submissive and a slave are you stupid enough to share your definition?

Why yes I am stupid enough! Actually I only write this because it can help people in terms of how my brain works and might get a better understanding of my point of view.

There are two distinct aspects that separate a sub from a slave, level of power and where our main motivations are.

To me a submissive is a person who would find it easier to list the things they have given power over to then not and a slave would find it easier to list the things not given over than what they did.

But to me the far biggest difference can be found in the motivations. For someone like me a slave the more I care for someone the more I want to please them. I do not want but have to put their desires and needs above my own. This does not mean ignore or try to pretend I do not have other needs and desires other then my owner’s but for me to be happy and content I want his to be met before I worry about my own. I do not do things from the mundane to the really out there kink because they give me direct physical pleasure by doing them. They give me pleasure from seeing them give my Master pleasure and for me to show my love and devotion to my owner by embracing the suffering.

A submissive to me does things primarily out of direct enjoyment. Whether mundane or kink if they have given power over in an area it is probably because they enjoy it in some specific manner. Let’s say if they let their Dominant choose what they wear. A submissive probably enjoy not making the decision while a slave enjoys knowing what she will be wearing will please her Master.

A submissive is more often then not going to base limits on if they get something out of it or not. A slave is almost always going to base limits on if they can handle something safely, mentally, or not with no concern with direct feelings of pleasure or pain.

Why did you make your blog address “asianslave”?

In all honesty that is me trying to be descriptive and brief. Not my best asset. Being Asian and being a slave are big themes of my life in terms of people find interesting enough that not to bore people to death. I am not allowed to post pictures per Master’s orders so if it what something like “Linsblog” there would have to be some more explaining to do.

The reason why description is an issue to me is because I am as lazy as the next person. When I had pictures up when posting on a message board people could plainly see I was female, age range, I was Asian and I was thin with small breasts. There are a lot of topics that without this information I would have to type out “I am Asian”, “I am thin” and “I have tiny boobies”. Or a cultural question comes up it was easier to write I was raised in two cultures, people can figure out in a nanosecond what the two were.

So “asianslave” to me was simply me going this is an Asian who identifies as a slave in her power exchange thoughts.

Are you nude now?

Do some dominants really not allow their slaves to wear clothes at home?

Pretty much the answer to a question like this is of course there are some. But let’s look at reality. Most people live in populated places, like natural sunlight and fresh air and/or have other people stopping by a lot or have others living with them. People living in cold areas have heating bills to be concerned with. Some just think nude all the time is not that hot or loses appeal. There are a ton more reasons.

On the other hand, I can pretty much guarantee you someone in your subdivision is a nudist and the people in the household are often naked. So being naked all the time is not common but not unrealistic if one wants to do that. My Master for example most days I am not exposing the naughty bits but there are plenty of days and especially partial days where in fact I can be topless, bottomless or completely nude.

You and others cannot always be having sex?

All these people cannot be doing all this kink and sex all of the time it is so unrealistic or am I wrong?

You are 100% right and 100% missing the point. People often view things in the filter of their own values and experiences. When a person reads walking around nude or in a sexy outfit or hear about middle of the day swats of an ass and things of that nature it is common to think the end result is sex. The reason why is because when most have done this the point was it was all foreplay for sex.

But an M/s couple have plenty of days where they get up go to work, come home eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed. But that does not mean that the slave did not wake her Master with oral attention even if just for a minute, did not come home after work and change into a more sexual outfit, did not eat dinner from a bowl on a floor, did not watch TV in a specific manner and did not do some rituals for bedtime.

These actions are often more then or not at all about sex. They are about atmosphere, structure and consistency in the power dynamic in the relationship. Often done so regular life does not dominate the power exchange dynamic. That these things help them feel more dominant or submissive. That they see their other’s devotion to them and their preferred way of life by staying true to all things set up and decided on. That sex is not the end goal but a more openly expressive/affectionate sexual atmosphere is a goal.

What is your sexuality?

I am bisexual which is a large tent for a woman. I not only enjoy sex with other females I can and have formed whole relationships with them. Though in the end I am monogamous in my heart and found I need a man so long term I have to be with a man.

How out am I?

My bisexuality, yes I am out. But not by choice as I became the scandal of my high school when my girlfriend and I got caught in a very public way expressing our love for each other. I went to college where many from my school went so it followed me there and after that I could care less. I did shock the hell out of some people when after I broke up from my last Master I had a very public fling with an out lesbian doctor.

I am not out and proud in terms of being a slave. I have never seen the motivation or really what the big difference is in how William and I live compared to any other couple on the planet. Every couple lives in some dynamic and you do not see every other type of couple go out of their way explaining it to everyone they know. I have outed myself several times in the course of my job as a nurse in an ER to support or inform people that those bruises and injuries are obvious S&M ones.

My involvment in local communities?

I am no longer active in any local community and have been so for quite some time. Unless my Master orders me, very unlikely, I have zero desire to be active in one again.

When I was first got involved in power exchange my first owners were very involved and got me involved. All told I spent five years in three different local communities. Some of my closet friends were met from my time spent in them.

Local communities: How good and bad?

The good: They are great for seeing in real life this great big tent that BDSM, power exchange relationships and other kinks. It is nice to know people and hopefully find friends that you can talk about things that you just cannot with anyone else. Part of this life is looking in the mirror and accepting and being happy that what you are doing is not wrong or sick. So to see other that appears happy and healthy in real time can help deal with self doubt. Last, but not least possibility of finding your other!

The bad: I found way too much one way type attitudes. This is how you must do this. This is how you must do that. A lot of that dating and non BDSM type advice! Because of the dynamics and general population I found local communities to primarily focus on top/bottom play and even then almost all about BDSM and very little else. It is not that D/s and M/s people are not there but that stuff is so personal and so complex in compatibility that any talk tends to be over romanticized chest thumping or what we say but not what we really do stuff. There is also a prevalent high school clique mentality of cliques of people with like minds and backgrounds building up walls with a lot of judging and jealousies being played out.

Overall: I think if you are new to the life then joining your local community is a very good thing for at least a short time. At the same time though understand that being active in your local community and being proactive on your path to living in a power exchange relationship does at some point and to me pretty darn quickly become two completely different things. If you start to figure out if you like or can take pain or bondage, explored other aspects of interest available that is fine and good. But if you have yet gone out on a date with an open heart and brain with another with the hope they might be your other and you use the excuse you are still exploring then need to be honest with yourself. If you spend most of your time exploring top/bottom activities, your social circle has become many in the local community and you know all the activities weeks ahead of time and even attend national shows then you have created a social life for yourself period. Any potential relationship becomes less of a chance the less you actually focus on it.

Internet: How good and bad?

The good: A wide array of information and from many sources and perspectives. There is very little reason you cannot find multiple sources of information and views that you can identify with and help sort out your thoughts. I learn something most days. If looking for your other I fully believe the wider the net the better chance to find someone. It has been my experience the more severe of an actual power exchange relationship you want the fewer people are out there that match up. If you have the resources to do a long distance dating thing and the ability to relocate this greatly can improve your odds.

The bad: A lot of unrealistic cyber theorist typing words of “known” wisdom through their “experience” which can often be just them in their thoughts and never lived one day in a power exchange relationship. You have to filter everything you read, including any junk I write, through your own brain and form your own conclusions. Along with this people tend to over romanticize this life, their relationships and themselves. I think too much Internet can cause people to loose reality and build up the life in their mind that if they ever go to real life it can never live up to the image created.

In terms of looking for people: Men tend to type way too much in what they want like filling out an order form and what they think a woman wants to here. Women tend to get spoiled and addicted to the attention they receive that they forget they are actually looking for a person to be with and become closed minded and way too picky. Both often think that this life and hiding in cyber will net them better people then they normally have gotten in the past. You can eliminate many of the players and never going to actually meet anyone types but still will get burned by others.

Overall: Information is good but still needs to be filtered through your own mind. Can find your other online, I did, but if you are prone to getting frustrated, cannot hide negativity when you do not like how you got treated and by far the most you are impatient then do not look for your other online!

Nurses more submissive?

Do you see people in the medical field and in particular nurses as submissives are more prevalent in this life then other careers?

No I do not. I am an absolute believer that people in this life are pretty much a cross section of the human experience in pretty much every aspect. I believe that nurses stick out only because it is a more unique/different occupation that people know what they do and just stands out more. Since most people work in the business world that tends to blend in and people noticing nurses to me is because the occupation in itself just sticks out in the mind more.

Are we better educated?

It has been my experience the people in this life tend to have higher IQs and are better educated then most. Is that your belief?

No, I think that view is asinine. Power exchange and kink is not by itself something that can support bringing people together. People who establish friendships and are comfortable in groups will need other similarities. Next time you’re at a local community event and see just how little we are actually talking about this life topics and talking like ordinary human beings. Then see who we spend most of our time with and the same with others. You will see that we hang around people like us. You see more educated at local communities because that is a common base for many other common interests/social habits. People with different interests/social habits are going to be less comfortable and therefore not be as many that attend.

Online the same thing as people who have time to be on a computer are often people who can afford to work part time or not at all and a lot of people that can do it at work. Generally these are going to be people who have an education just to qualify for those types of jobs. But it does not mean we are the only ones participating in the life. There has to be also an interest to go on a computer and type words out. Again generally people that do this is because it is just in them and often since they were born so there is just a much higher chance these people would have used this interest and a very natural path to excel would be in school.

So what we see is the people writing or attending local communities tend to be educated. That is all nothing more can be inferred. Not people in this life because most people in this life are not active in local communities! Judging IQ points is absurd. We all have things we can excel at and some things we suck at. I excel in all things science, language and memory type things. I have no ability in artistic, creative writing, engineering and so on and so on.

Do you consider your submission a gift?

Really short answer is no. I often take a very negative view toward this phrase and just have come to realize it has to do with my spirituality. I embrace the view that all things are equal and differences are just differences and not to be judged better or right versus wrong.

Some will try to bend it that they should be or will cherish the other person but then that really is just another way of saying they expect mutual love in the relationship. Of course that way it is a gift but I do not buy for one second people who do use that phrase are trying to express that thought.

What they are expressing is they want their submission to be considered special, Better/more then others in other relationship dynamics. This is just delusional and unhealthy thinking if they are serious in this thought. For us meant to live a power exchange dynamic is because it is a best fit for us. Not because it is the best dynamic and only a few of us can live it. We live it because it gives us the best possibility of having happiness and love in our life not because we give more of ourselves then other people in other relationships.

Also it simply is not a gift if you are expecting something of equal value in return which most of us if not all are.

Doormat?

What is up with the “I am not or do not want a doormat” phrase?

There are two paths this term has taken and from each gender.

Original term:

I want or I am a slave that uses her mind, has interest and opinions and will engage the other mentally in life. Be proactive and respond to life in a way that the dominant can enjoy being around them. This seems to some as a duh comment but there are many submissives who are enamored with the idea of turning their brains off as much as possible. There are few people out there that basically are drawn to a “whatever you want” and “what do you want me to do” interaction. In the end this will not work and end badly but there are people looking to check out that way.

Slang term (most common use now):

Female: I am not willing to be treated like a second class citizen in a relationship. This can be seen in the range of the original definition to someone who claims interest in a power exchange relationship but all they want is a leader who can mind read and will not expect or order anything they are not wanting or not willing to do both in general and in the moment.

Male: Can range from the original term to I really do want a doormat when it works for me and want a real person when it does not. Men often use the term as a guilt free expression to often counter communications of the more severe tone. Classic example “A slave only has one right and that is to leave. I do not want a doormat though”.

Does size matter?

Why do some submissives think anal sex is very submissive when regular people do it a lot as well? Why is it often difficult for a woman to masturbate herself to orgasm in front of her other if they are new to each other?

The answer is that the physical dynamics of sex are only one part. The other part is mental. If mental makes something an issue then in fact the issue is legit. So if a woman claims size matters it does for her. Physically probably not but that does not matter. Anal sex the same way as if taking it in the ass makes us feel submissive then it does.

Same with masturbating which is heavy on mental stimulation and we all have done mostly if not all in private. Most people cannot just be ordered from a cold start and get it done but it is something learned over time. Something the mind has to deal with.

But does size really matter?

I think you will find that most women will have the same answers. Too small or too big can be a problem. Everything else is perfectly fine. The less you know the person and/or it is about pure physical fucking then seeing, tasting and feeling a big cock will add excitement. It though for many of us does not trump other things and getting excited at what I am feeling in my hand followed by a stupid comment from a guy or something stupid would quickly end that “extra” feeling.

When it comes to having sex/making love to my special someone then that aspect is buried so far down the mental brain I am not sure if it ever registers.

But yeah, there are size queens and in their mental area to sex size matters is a huge thing. Look at it like a fetish. If something really turns you on would you not want to be able to have that and if you could only get an orgasm from doing one particular thing would you not seek out that thing?

I actually knew a woman who husband’s huge cock (biggest I have ever seen) was a very big reason why she loved him; literally as much as anything else about him. I met them after they had been married for eight years and even then you could see her glow when thinking, talking or seeing it.